Dave

From: Alex Richards
To: UKTV (Sub: Dave)

Hi, I have a little query that I would appreciate an answer to. I was wondering if the TV channel 'Dave' is named in memorial of my late great friend Dave 'The rave' Robinson. Dave was a cracking bloke, and his best feature was actually his 'witty banter' whether it be about football, news or just people in general. He was a cracking snooker player and was a former racing driver; this may be why you show top gear a lot on Dave. I would greatly appreciate a response in the form of an email as my mate Donald convinced me that it was named after Dave the rave, and I want to see if he's lying again, just like when he claimed that he had Mariah Carey performing in his attic for his birthday. Thanking you in advance.

-----------------------------------------------------

From: UKTV
To: Alex Richards

Dear Alex,

Thank you for your email.

The channel is aimed at Men, so Red Bee media who handled the re-brand came up with the idea of naming it after a popular man's name 'Dave'. They wanted something that stood out and was quite humorous, just like the +1 channel Dave Ja Vu. The name is actually based on the idea that "everyone knows a bloke called Dave". I'm afraid we are aware of your friend Dave, but I'm sure he was a great man, just like all Daves, with their witty banter.

You may like to read some further information here:

Kind regards

The UKTV Team

uktv.co.uk

The company of animals

From: Alex Richards
To: The company of animals

Dear Company of animals,

My dog Trev is about 15 years old now, and for the past 4 months I have noticed a few behaviour changes that have concerned me.
To start, I have noticed a change in dress sense (I buy clothing for Trev), I usually take Trev shopping with me by passing him off as a guide dog, and when we're inside the store he usually barks at which dog clothing he likes. Before, he used to bark at dog polo shirts, dog shorts etc. general casualware. Now he tends to bark at leather dog hats and lycra catsuits...yes, catsuits! he's a dog!
My dog is a rather eccentric character, who used to befriend the other dogs in the neighbourhood; both male and female. But now, he only seems to be interested in befriending male dogs, like Tyson, the dog of the next door neighbour. Whenever I arrive home from my shift at Topman, I find him having his tea at Tyson's house, sometimes they even share a bowl.
Last week, I looked in his kennel, and was shocked to find layer upon layer of tasselled cushions and scented candles, like some sort of bachelor pad, how you can fit a bachelor pad in a 4ft x 3ft reinforced titanium kennel (call me Mr. Safety-obsessed!) I'll never know.
I was wondering if there is any way in which you could explain this behaviour pattern; maybe it's genetic, or maybe he has been influenced by watching me during one of my Sex and the city marathons, I don't know.
I would appreciate a reply greatly, as I am very concerned incase there is something seriously wrong with Trev.

Thanking you
A. Richards
----------------------------------------------
No Reply

Liverpool FC

From: Alex Richards
To: Liverpool FC
8/2/10

Hello there,
I recently heard about the club's (lack of) funds, and I have come up with a proposal.
I play for a team called 'Wayward burrows Athletic FC', most of the players there (including myself) are life long Liverpool fans, and we have all come up with an idea which will effectively suit both clubs. We recently had to sell our right back Kashmere Jenkins-De La Cruz to Hoppertown Rangers, and since then we've had to put in Luke Van-Der-Anderson who, as you should know, is more of a central midfielder, in at right back, this has made us leak goals. We are willing to purchase one of your players for a hefty sum, we obviously do not want to damage your title challenge, so we've decided to choose a player who is both accomplished, yet underplayed; Phillip Degen. The whole team and coaching staff are willing to put in £25 to the offer, although if Phillip wishes to join our club, he must be committed and willing to be payed approx. £13.50 per game (we'd normally be able to offer up to £45.00, but of course, we're in a recession), we are also willing to discuss a loan deal. Wayward Burrows are currently 3rd in the Robert Price open sunday league, four points off the top spot, but with a game in hand. We currently play at Oyvind Leonhardsen Park, which holds around 650 people. Our top scorer is Terry McMuckson who has 14 goals in 31 games this season. If Phillip would like to know anymore, I will be more than happy to discuss. A prompt reply would be much appreciated, we could do with an accomplished right-back and I feel you could do with the funds.

Thanking you

A. Richards
-----------------------------------------
Awaiting Reply

Happy Egg Foundation Part 2

Please View Part 1 First (Click Here)

----------------------------------------

Subject: RE: RE: eggcellent!
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 2010 09:48:02 +0000
From: Victoria DeGrandis
To: Alex Richards

Well Alex, it certainly sounds like you have lots of innovative ways of keeping hens happy. Maybe you could send us some suggestions of new ways to keep our girls happy and ensure they keep laying the delicious tasty eggs that we all love.

Kind Regards,

Victoria

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Alex Richards
To: victoria degrandis
Subject: RE: eggcellent!
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 2010 23:08:28 +0000

Victoria,

It would be my pleasure, if there is an area of expertise im suited to, it's animal activities!
Sorry I am late replying but Juanita told me a joke (listed below) and only now I have stopped laughing. Anyway onto activities...
I feel that open spaces are a must for any hen, so they can be mischievous and get exercise, although Juanita is more a fan of sitting by the fire with Scooter the sheep dog. But of course, being a zoo-loving tennis-player, Juanita ain' no ordinary chicken.
I have actually compiled a list of activities I have tried, and I have sorted them into two groups entitled 'success' and 'failure!':
Success: Running about in a field
Failure!: Tennis, badminton, murderball, swimming, skateboarding, cricket, rugby, roller hockey, boxing, Alan Titchmarsh memorial planting sessions(tm), snooker, running about in a field of carrots, asbestos searching, tea-towel adventures, hand-towel expeditions, paper-towel shennanigans, that time when I got bored and just started throwing peanuts at Juanita's face, cat sniping (not what you think) and Teri Hatcher baseball.

I was thinking Victoria, maybe the Happy egg company can offer me a job testing activities and their suitability to the life of a chicken. I have created a brief CV below:

Full Name: Alexander Litvinenko Richards
Real Age: 36
Celeb Age (If needed): 35
Country: Wales
Previous jobs: Sales assistant - Ethel Austin, Sales director - Littlewoods
What would I bring to the job: Unrivaled enthusiasm and the rare ability to make others look good

As you can see Victoria, there is variation within my previous jobs, I had to make the difficult change from sales assistant to sales director but I adjusted with effort to spare.
I hope you will consider everything I've had to say, and I also hope you will reply again, with maybe some constructive criticisms (if any) of my active approach to my hens and your reaction to Juanita's joke.

The kindest of all regards,
Alex Richards


The joke!
How do chickens leave buildings?
They go through the egg-sit!

---------------------------------------

No Reply :(

Lynx

To whom it may concern,
Recently I purchased a can of your deodorant entitled 'Lynx: Dark temptation' hoping to attract members of the opposite sex. Unfortunately, I have not got the desired effect, instead of attracting women, I have attracted a dozen cats who are now outside my front door, scratching away. I would let them in, but I think they may have come from my neighbour Terry Jenkins' garden, and he's scruffy as fuck, I don't appreciate felines slobbering on me at the best of times, especially not his. I would like to see if you have a solution to my problems, maybe I bought the wrong flavour?

Alex Richards

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Alex,

Thank you for your recent email. I was sorry to hear that you felt that Lynx Dark Temptation Body Spray was not as effective as you expected.

Whilst the Lynx Effect will draw girls to you, it cannot do all the work for you. Try brushing up on your chat up lines and eye contact, both are good ways to improve your chances with the opposite sex and also make sure you keep spraying. Be confident, witty and approachable and the girls should come a flocking.

Spray more, get more means precisely that. The more you spray the more Lynx Effect you are unleashing and the more confidence you will exude. This in turn will hopefully lead to more female attention.

I hope you find this information helpful. If you have any further enquiries, please do not hesitate to contact us again.

Kind regards,

Kevin Thomson
Careline Advisor
-----------------------------------------------------
What a shit reply; not even going to bother continuing this one.