Corporate event organisers

From: Alex Richards
To: Corporate event organisers

Hello there,
My name is Alex Richards and I am an entertainer, I was thinking maybe your corporate events were lacking something.
My stage name is 'Roberto Terradicci: the gruesome macarena monster' and I like to entertain both children and adults alike. I am a stand-up comedian/comedy song writer who, when given any criteria can write material like that (I just clicked my fingers dont you know?).
Here is an extract from my routine:-
'My name is Roberto and RARRRRRRRRR, scared? you should be. I am the macarena monster, the prancing lancer, the jigging biggar! Do you kids (or in your case, businessmen) like sweets?! I THOUGHT SO! [here is where I throw sweets at the children/businessmen]'

These are a few of my reviews from local media

I literally peed myself laughing! 5 stars! - Merthyr Express Journalist Terry Hobson
A star for the future, gruesome macarena monster? more like AWESOME MACARENA MONSTER! - BBC Wales producer Gareth Llewellyn
Oh my days, this bruv is a total mukk - Harry Ordinary, Council house and violent weekly
Wow. Wow. Wow. - Mark Davies, Little lampshades magazine

I would appreciate a reply, whether it is a reply with queries, or a reply of rejection.

Thanking you
A. Richards
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No reply.

Curtains Sales Website

From: Alex Richards

To: Curtains Sales Websites

Hello there,
I recently came across your site, but I am unable to browse the options.
So I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about your products through email?
If this is okay, please reply.

Thanking you
A. Richards

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Alex,

What problems do you appear to be having with the site? If you let me know what your queries are, I would be happy to assist you to the best of my knowledge.

Kind regards,

Jenny

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I have a few queries about your blinds. I was wondering whether I could get them with a size of at least 5ft (height). I was also wondering if they came with their own guide dogs?
I look forward to a reply

Thanking you
A. Richards

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Alex,

The blinds we do currently go up to a drop of 170cm which is approximately 5ft 7ins. There aren’t a lot of blinds to choose from on the site at the moment as we are currently re-vamping that section, sorry.

They do not come with their own guide dogs however – we suggest you obtain one separately. We did nearly get a deal with hearing dogs for the deaf, but just as we were about to sign on the dotted line, a tapir ran off with the paperwork.

Kind regards,

Jenny

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5ft 7ins sounds perfect, I don't want them to be too tall. I will probably wait until your stock has increased, as I don't want my blinds to be lonely.
It is very unfortunate that the blinds do not come with guide dogs, is this because of lack of kennels or food? It seems that the whole tapir malarchy has rocked your company a little, I'm guessing it was a Brazilian tapir who ran off with the paperwork, as they do tend to be the most rebellious. My only advice is that you complete paperwork within an office environment, rather than in the jungle. Have you any idea about when the re-vamp of the blinds section will be complete?

Thanking you
A. Richards

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Alex,

Stock isn’t an issue, it’s just a case of getting the website up to date – we are only a small (and very busy) company, so please bear with us. As to when the blinds section is complete – how long is a piece of string? No seriously, we want to catch that tapir.

I wouldn’t worry about the blinds being lonely – few of our blinds seem to like each other, but are keen to meet other like-minded soft furnishings.

I apologise that we do not offer the aforementioned guide dog service and hope this does not deter you from doing very serious and businessy-type business with us.

Kind regards,

Jenny

PS: Re: Guide dogs – My colleague says that this once some guy put the Shaka Khan tune on full blast and a flock of dogs came running, so maybe this may help in your endeavours.

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Could you maybe state the general interests of the blinds?

A. Richards

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Alex,

Oh, you know… stuff.

Which particular blinds are you interested in and I’ll ask around.

Jenny

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Thank goodness for that Jenny, I am also interested in stuff.
My passions include cats, gardening, inventing and forensic anthropology.
Do any of your blinds play the piano? because my favourite musical artist has got to be Stevie Wonder,
and if I could have my own, I would be over the moon.

Thanking you
A. Richards

--------------------------------------

Alex,

You're an idiot

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End of correspondence

Barack Obama

From: Alex Richards
To: The White House

Hello there Mr. Obama,
I'm not really one for politics, but I have recently become intrigued by the country of America, and the way it’s rapidly changing for the good, but unfortunately on a recent trip I suffered a bit of a problem. You seem to be what other presidents have failed to be; approachable, so I thought maybe I could get an answer from you or your contacts. On a recent trip to New York City with my cat, I decided to enter a McDonald’s Restaurant on a whim, but was horrified to see that the restaurant had in fact, run out of tomato ketchup, that was the driest Big Mac I have ever had in my life, and I have not heard the last of it from my cat, who is still disgusted by the lack of flavour in her happy meal carrots. Luckily her happy meal toy was Nemo, from the film ‘Finding Nemo’, her favourite film, very lucky escape from McDonald’s point of view. If this is the kind of change you have brought to the United States, I don't like it. I will appreciate a swift reply, with an explanation for this.
Thank you
---------------------------------
No reply...yet.

Inventors' Association

From: Alex Richards

To: Inventors’ Association president

Hi, I have created a few invention ideas. But I don't know how to show these ideas on a broader scale. So I have wondered if you could help me, I have a few technical drawings with measurements of my ideas, I was thinking maybe I could show you these to get some analysis and constructive criticism.

Thanking you
Alex Richards

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Alex

Your e-mail seems to come from England.
Where are you and how did you find me?
And yes I can look at what you have and provide lots of resources and questions.

___________________________________

Hi

Thank you for your swift reply. I found you on the website *****************.
I am emailing you from Wales; a country within the United Kingdom, located next to England. I have tried contacting
the Inventors Association of the United Kingdom, but I seem to get no reply. So I decided to take my voyage to a different country; the
United States of America. When I searched for inventors associations in the USA, ******* was the first result to return.
I apologise if you feel that a contact from the United Kingdom has made uncomfortable in any way.

Below are two invention ideas I have briefly thought of, along with detailed technical drawings, I'm not sure whether the drawings
will be instantly understandable, but after reading them thoroughly I (hope and) feel you will get the general idea. I would be very willing to answer any questions you have. Looking forward to a response

Thanking you
A. Richards

Invention 1: The meanderer <Click here to see attached picture>

The meanderer is an alternative to the fictional "Hover board". Obviously this board will not float 6ft in the air like you see in the movies, but it can keep you up in the air. The board is a carbon fibre board measuring 1.35m long and 30cm wide. Underneath the board are two desktop fans, these must be place with precision upon the board, so there is an even balance. The fans have had their electrical plugs replaced with 4 Li-Ion batteries, which can be charged electrically through 19v DC. The board in the picture will probably not last long on one charge, but if my idea takes off (no pun intended) i'm sure there are people who can help me extend battery life, or even use a source of energy.

Invention 2: Cathands <Click here to see attached picture>

The cat hands are intended to protect a cat's paws when maybe crossing dangerous terrain, or just general protection for a cat. The "hands" are made of thick rubber and measure 50cm long and 19cm wide. I have tried these on my cat at home (I have cathands prototypes) and the cathands lasted 28 hours before my cat found them a bit uncomfortable, but then after about 4 hours, he was ready to wear them again. So there is a lot of use to be had out of these.

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Alex

 

I just didn't know if you were in the states with a UK email from the past..

Do a Google search Hoverboard scooter airboard  video

inventor Kevin Inkster arbortech Industrusties

You will find lots of other folks working on a board that works.

It takes a minimum of a leave blower motor to work on a gymnasium

smooth floor and a motorcycle motor to run on a street.  The AirBoard

is on the market for $14,000

As for cat shoes. What kinds of problems do you see cats having with

walking anywhere?

Two of the pet industry trade magazines and websites are

www.petproductnews.com  www.petstylenews.com

And I just found   a whole world of sites when I Googled luxury cat products

Attached are articles and resources for you to learn and confirm info

needed for any inventors journey.

I'm available for you to fly me to the UK for consulting anytime. (smile)

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Hello there,

Thank you for the documents, they made for a helpful read. I researched the

'AirBoard' and had a look at the technology used.

I have noticed that it hovers well, but my invention is designed to meander,

not hover (hence the name; meanderer). I feel that the meanderer could be used

 in training tightrope walkers, as the meanderer has no real steering apart from

balancing the weight of your body; you could say there is a steep learning curve

 in riding the meanderer, but it is worthwhile. I'm sure the meanderer will be a huge

 worldwide name in the field of circus act training.

I came up with the idea of cathands when my cat and I walked through muddy wayward forest,

 and I noticed that his paws were damaged from the dangerous terrain (which I was unaware of pre-walk)

and his nails were also damaged, this required a few visits to the vet and a hefty bill. The cathands

are designed to protect the paws. The inside of the cathands are carefully designed, so that the

 paws of growing cats can develop strongly.

I do notice that I am aiming my inventions at a small majority, but I'd probably say circus acts

and walking my cat are my favourite things to do (along with inventing) and I would greatly

 appreciate these inventions if they were already created and marketed.

I would like to see what you have to say on this matter, and any verbal (through E-mail)

contributions in terms of my next steps on developing the inventions would be greatly appreciated.



Thanking You

A. Richards

----------------------------------------------------

Alex

 

I'm on both Skype video for the PC nd AIM video on the MAC.  This a

great way to communicate in such matters.  Both are free.  Do you have

a web camera?

Wow I'd say cats that go for walks on a leash is a very small

(specialized) market.

You development costs have got to be very low to make any profit.

There is probably a website for cat walkers.  If not that is an

opportunity to create one and advertise your product and share

catwalking advice and experiences.

As for yor board, you saw or heard the size of the engine to get the

Airboard a fw inches off the ground.  I'd like to see your electric

motor version.   The energy consumption would seem to be so much that

any batteries needed to run more than a minute would be far too heavy.

Testing for needed air flow and then reserching motor & batteriy specs

will quickly tell you if technology is ready for you.

 

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I do have a web camera and skype video, but unfortunately I do not have enough free time these days to talk on such things. All the free time I do have is aound 8am; time difference is a harsh foe. I do also usually get regular 10 minute breaks, but they are usually spent checking and replying to emails. I have added you nonetheless , it will say I'm online all the time, but that is because I leave my laptop on when I work, for time efficiency, so please don't feel unneeded if I don't accept your call. This morning I searched for a cat walkers' website, but unfortunately I couldn't quite get round the waves of fashion catwalkers' websites, one day I will maybe find a community of people who enjoy walking their cats, and maybe we'd be able to discuss different brands of cat leads (leashes), customised collars and maybe I could even introduce my cathands, although I'm not sure, I wouldn't want to rock them too much.
I am aware of the fact that if I wish to have more power to get the meanderer off the ground, it will counteract by having a much heavier energy source. I'm considering scrapping the whole fan idea, and putting space hoppers underneath, the only energy they need is air to inflate them! Using space hoppers will also cut costs by around 90%. I may create the space hopper version as a subproduct of the meanderer; and call it the 'Meanderer: BoUnCe!'. This product could then be interesting to both circus acts and children, which is a considerably larger market. I'm still really weighing out the pros and cons of the space hopper, and I will provide a technical drawing soon.

A. Richards

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I have attached my technical drawing to this email. And also I have some GOOD NEWS!
Today I went to the shop and purchased three 24" space hoppers for £11.99 and a huge sheet of carbon fibre for a bargain price of £15 from my mate Trev. I will spend all night attempting to create The Meanderer:BoUnCe and show you the results tomorrow. I may even give it a test run. I'm not sure whether I will get it done in one night, as I am a bit of a perfectionist, but I will follow my drawing and see what happens. Let's just hope I don't get lost up s*** creek without a paddle. Wish me Luck!(Please reply and let me know what you think)

A. Richards

P.S. This drawing may not be as clearly drawn as the others, as my cat ate my best HB pencil. And I'm just not as technically astute with a 3B.

(The attached drawing is here)

---------------------------------------------

Alex,

 

Just think about the cost of liabilty insurance and legal costs when

folks suit you when they injure themselves when using the product

correctly or incorrectly. It's all in trial and error and attracting the 13-19 year olds to like

it a much as the skate boards.

 

Be careful practicing on it.

 

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I have created a prototype of the Meanderer:BoUnCe, but have taken note of the health and safety warnings, so I added a little something to give the person on the board a bit more stability, I've decided to either call it the Vengeance cage, the bearer of solitude, or the instant death resistor, because children like that sort of stuff. This is shown in my new technical drawing which should be attached to this email. I will be trying out the 'Meanderer:BoUnCe with the VENGEANCE CAGE/BEARER OF SOLITUDE/INSTANT DEATH RESISTOR' within the next hour, results will be forwarded ASAP. (If you are wondering about the flag in my drawing, it is the welsh flag; the best flag, no arguments, it has a fire breathing dragon on it...)

A. Richards

(The attached drawing is here)

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And now you have really big packaging, wharehousing space and shipping costs with the bigger size.

How many units will fit on a wooden pallet?  One?

How much will it cost to ship, due to weight and size?

How much will a box that size cost in small volume?

Packing material to hold it securely in the box?

-------------------------------------------------

,

Events have taken a turn for the worst, i tried out my prototype of the 'Meanderer:BoUnCe with the VENGEANCE CAGE/BEARER OF SOLITUDE/INSTANT DEATH RESISTOR', and only now I have returned from hospital with my right arm in a cast. Whilst trying out my prototype, I fell out and the cage fell on my arm, breaking it in two places. I've decided to scrap the idea totally and place all my attention on the cat hands. I am afraid to use the prototype of cathands, just incase I break my other arm whilst walking my cat. Not only have I suffered a broken arm, I have suffered broken dreams. Maybe inventing is not for me; thank you very much for your help and support on this voyage of uncontrollable excitement, and the excrutiating pain of defeat, you have been an integral part of my design processes. Hopefully one day we will cross paths, and can share cat-related anecdotes. And maybe one day you will see cathands in your local store and think 'I remember him'. Perhaps there will be an outbreak of spacehopper/skate board/death cage related injuries, then you will be able to breathe easy, knowing that my product has successfully hit the market. I will not give up, and will continue with my ideas, hoping to change the world.

Thanking you for the final time
A. Richards

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Alex

 

Sorry about the arm.

Valuable lessons learned.

One day I'll cross the pond and come for a spot of tea.

What is your address?

Attached is the list of projects that run around in my head that I

look to make connections about to move along the invention path

I just typed  "cat humor"  into the Google search window and found a

very long list of fun and heart warming stuff.

Also check out TED.com  for amazing presentations on science and

technology subjects''

 

I'll look out for you

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End of correspondence 

New Video: Prank phonecall to the sun