The Happy Egg Foundation

From: Alex Richards
Sent: 23 January 2010 03:02
To: info@thehappyegg.co.uk
Subject: eggcellent!

Dear the happy egg company,

Today, I was eating a happy egg (he was happy because he had been to his best friend's fancy dress party, he dressed as iron man) and was overcome by the deliciousness of the whole cataclysm of taste , and felt the need to write to you. (I'm not yolking!)
Eggs are probably my 4th favourite food, after milky ways, spaghetti hoops, and alphabites (I enjoy foods that help me stimulate my brain while I eat e.g. I use alphabites to create words, my best word is 'dungeon').
I am not just writing out of appreciation, as I have a few concerns. I would like to know how you ensure the morale of each hen is high, one of my hens, Juanita, is currently not laying eggs, and I'm unsure of whether this is relative to how content the hen is. I have tried everything to make her happy, I take her to the zoo, I bought her favourite brand of chicken feed, and I sometimes I just tickle her, but she just walks away patronisingly; it makes me feel so small.
I will have to investigate the matter thoroughly, and make sure that this depression has nothing to do with Yvonne, my other hen, and she is well known across the neighbourhood for her spicy attitude. It's not like Juanita is lacking in friendship, she has me, Yvonne, Terry and Steve the local ducks, Randolf the sheep dog, and Tyrone; her imaginary friend.
Anyway, I hope you will be able to help me with increasing the morale of my hen by replying as soon as possible with ideas, or anything, just to show that you received my email.

Thanking you
A. Richards

_____________________________________

Subject: RE: eggcellent!
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 2010 13:40:45 +0000
From: Victoria.DeGrandis@Noblefoods.co.uk
To: Alex Richards

Hi Alex,

Thank you for your email and interest in the happy egg co. We are glad to hear how much you are enjoying our lovely tasty eggs.

We are sorry to hear that Juanita has stopped laying eggs for you though. Do you know how old she is? It has been found that after about 65 weeks, a hens productivity decreases, so it could be possible that this is the reason she isn’t laying much at the moment.

Here at the happy egg co., we ensure a happy life for all our hens by keeping them busy and stimulated. We have special happy farms with farmers who are dedicated to looking after their girls and ensuring they are always having a happy time. The farms not only have wide open spaces where the hens are free to roam, they also have trees to play, sandpits to scratch around in and towers ideal for perching pleasure.

Although it sounds like you are doing lots to keep Juanita happy, perhaps you could try out some of the methods that we use. It will be interesting to hear if you have any success.

Kind Regards,

Victoria De Grandis

Marketing Assistant

___________________________________

From:	Alex Richards
Sent:	25 January 2010 16:36:41
To:	victoria.degrandis@noblefoods.co.uk; info@thehappyegg.co.uk

Hello Victoria,
First and foremost I'd like to thank you for your prompt and enlightening reply, but I am afraid that there are a few more concerns.
Juanita and I watched the film "Chicken Run" last night, and I feel she is starting to get ideas. Just yesterday I came home from Ethel Austin to find Juanita with a catapult in the garden, but I doubt it'll come to anything, she's always lacked any real motivation. She always has these phases see, you know how hens are!
I've started to create some activities for Juanita, Yvonne and I to participate in, to keep active. I started with tennis, but Juanita failed to show any form of interest, which is surprising, as her favourite sports star is former tennis star 'Guy Forget', because he is not only skillful on the court but he is also a fantastic role model. Unfortunately we had to end early because Yvonne (typically) smashed up my other racquet after missing a simple forehand (it was a terrible shot on my account, it was there for the taking, I can understand her frustration. Also, her serve was way off, I'm talking 40% first serves in here). We then tried badminton, but of course, Yvonne spoiled the party again. She had one of her feminist rants after noticing that the thing we had to hit was called a 'shuttlecock' rather than a 'shuttlehen'.
I'm afraid I do not have much of an open space on my farm, so I am wondering if you have any ideas on how I could find somewhere for the hens to roam without a care in the world.
A prompt reply would be appreciated, to show that you received this email.

Thanking you
A. Richards

____________________________________

Part Two: Click Here

Yahoo Answers 1

Cadbury

(Click for larger)



(Click for larger)
_______________________________________

(In the process of replying)

Red Bull

To: uk.info@uk.redbull.com
From: Alex Richards
Date: 01/15/2010 06:23PM
Subject: General Enquiries|http://www.redbull.co.uk

The following message has been received on http://www.redbull.co.uk
First name: Alex
Last name: Richards
Email:
Phone:
Message: I recently posted a letter to your address [155-171 Tooley Street] but failed to receive a reply, so I am hoping an email will increase my chances of getting an answer to my questions. The letter is posted below.

Dear Red Bull,
I recently purchased a regular can of Red Bull, hoping to impress a lady friend with the growth of wings as stated in your slogan “Red Bull gives you wings” but I seem to be confronted with a few problems with growth. My school prom is soon, and I was hoping that I could grow wings, or any wing shaped limbs from my shoulder area, as my crush is fond of angels. I have been informed by my friend that Red Bull does give you wings, as his cousin’s friend has grown wings after drinking your product. I would like to know the following information in your reply to this letter:-
• How much Red Bull will need to be consumed daily before the growing starts, and is there a specific growth pattern or is it just unpredictable growth spurts?
• Will there be a method to stop growth once wings have reach desired size? (approx. preferable wingspan 85cm)
• Will I be able to choose the colour of the wings?
• Will I lose some control power of other limbs? e.g. arms, penis; as there is only so much control I can have over my body, and I don’t want to lose any of my cat-like dexterity
• Will there be any pouches created naturally in the wings, or will I have to cut them with a scissors/knife?
• If natural pouches are created, will they be able to contain my Druid Elven staff and my shinkendo master katana, as they take up too much room in my school satchel (A ninja star compartment is also appreciated but not necessary).
• If wings are not created – will any mass consumption side effects be of any use e.g. gravity manipulation, cause skin inflammation on sight?

I look forward to reading your reply and the answers to these questions. My school prom is in February 2010, so I will be hoping for a prompt reply.

Thanking you in advance
A. Richards
_________________________________________________________

Subject: Re: General Enquiries|http://www.redbull.co.uk
From: brian.saccente@uk.redbull.com
To: Alex Richards
Date: Sun, 17 Jan 2010 15:58:02 +0000

Hi Alex,

Thank you for your email and for your interest in Red Bull.

It is true that Red Bull does give you ""wiiings"" (as opposed to wings) but not in an obvious conventional manner but by vitalising your body and mind, as seen from our humorous self-ironic cartoons.

I daresay that in the history of evolution there has never been a case of a human being been naturally blessed with real wings in the sense that you mean and Red Bull would not try to fool the general population at large into thinking that it was possible to drink our product and change their genetic make up to grow extra parts of the body!

I assure you that the style of the advertisements and message that they give have been passed by the Advertising Standards Authority and are deemed suitable for broadcasting to the viewing public. I am sorry that you felt the message conveyed in our commercials misled you in anyway into believing that Red Bull would persuade your body to sprout bird-like feathery appendages.

Please accept out sincerest apologies if any confusion has been suffered.

Best regards,

Brian Saccente

________________________________________________________

From: Alex Richards
To: brian.saccente@uk.redbull.com
Subject: Re:Re:General Enquiries|http://www.redbull.co.uk
Date: Sun, 17th January 2010 19:56:22 +0000

Hi Brian,

Thank you for the prompt email dated Sun, 17 Jan 2010. It was rather humourous and I had an enjoyable time reading. I can now see how the wings are not given in a conventional sense; but as a term for feeling energetic, I certainly feel foolish. My mind does get carried away sometimes as I'm interested in the whole fantasy way of life (dragons, eskimos, nice French people etc.), and this whole lifestyle means I tend to get lost in my own world. I've gone off the idea of wings anyway, as I don't have the required levels of skill to control and use the wings to full capacity. I am more into the idea of extra arms (like Machamp from Pokemon) and I know how to control arms and I can use these to enhance and upgrade my skills in the art of wizardry (I'll also be able to use my druid elven staff and katana at the same time). I feel that extra arms will also be an advantage when it comes to my crush, I can use one arm to hold her, one to point furiously at things I don't like, one to beat away approaching rapists and the remaining arm can be used to feed her ice cream or hummus. I'm sorry that I am taking up your time, but I have a few more questions about red bull. Can it contribute in any way to arm growth? (I'm a bit desperate for any form of manus extension) and how long does the burst of energy from red bull last? I hope you will promptly reply again.

Thanking you
A. Richards

_________________________________________________________

End Of Correspondence

Mathematical Association Of America

From: Alex Richards
To: maaservice@brightkey.net
Subject: Help
Date: Wed, 13 Jan 2010 01:08:23 +0000

Dear The Mathematical Association Of America,

I am currently in a bit of a predicament. I recently bought a shelf from my local Ikea store, and on the instructions there is a shape that has caused severe disagreement. It's sides are of measurements (starting from top side, going clockwise) Sin-1(0.232344345), tan-1(0.9494938), Sin-1(0.232344345) and Cos-1(0.5643420894) With corners at 90(degrees), the colour of the shape in question is bright turquoise, and if you put two of these shapes together they will make a strong, capable shelf bracket.
The problem is that I feel this shape is most certainly a rhombus, while my friend Toby Jenkins insists it's a trapezoid. Is there any way you can provide an answer/solution to this charade?

Thanking you in advance
A Richards.
_________________________________________

No Reply