Artist Wanted

***!ARTIST WANTED!*** artist wanted (preferably graphic designer) to create logo for new daycare opening in Chatham (Chicago, IL)
 pls contact ************@*********.com if interested 

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From: Alex Rickson

To: Amber

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Hello,

My name is Alex (although for artistic and pretentious purposes I prefer to be referred to as ‘A’, which must be written in Italics), and I am an experienced graphic designer, I have designed graphics for various companies such as ‘Arkansas Chainsaws’ and ‘Shear bliss co. ltd. est. 1987’. If you want I can whip something up quickly, just a basic design to start. Is there anything specific you want on the logo (e.g. Name of daycare, motto, colour scheme)?

Thanks

A

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Hi A

yeah sure thats great, the daycare is called ‘Nurture’, there is currently no motto as we dont feel its necessary but if you wish to include it in your logo we may consider it. the prefered color scheme would involve white, red and blue. I look forward to hearing from you

Rap Battle

Original advert:

My lyrics

Song called "Your the Reason"

Verse #1

I hit the club fresh/ Am I the best dressed

Sipping nothing but goose/ Shawty an nothing less

Looking for the best sex/ You here what im saying

Lets bring the terms to laymen/ To show them that we aint playin

Music loud as f@(k/ My words are still clear

Always think of sweet nothing/ To whisper off in they ear

Can I buy you a beer/ Just words to break the ice

Get any drink from the bar/ Get anything that you like

Remy ma and sprite/ Ohhh just like the rapper

Hood chick shawty thick/ Ohhh and i like her swagger

It sayes trojan on the wrapper/ Wrote her number on a napkin

I see where this is going/ I know whats about to happen....A!!

Hook:

She say she love what she hearing right/ You aint know

Ma you the reason why i spit the fie

Hell i sip a ride/ think of sh@t to get you right

have you waiting be the phone/ Til I get home....

If you like hit me up!!!

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From: Alex Rickson

To: George Williams

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Hey man, I saw the lyrics on craigslist and I'm liking what I'm seeing. You got a tune to go with these lyrics or is it just freestyle?

Thanks, holler back

Alex Rickson (Rap name: Alfunkalo Da Rhymefestz)

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I WRITE TO NO BEATS. ONLY THE BEAT IN MY HEAD. YOU ENJOY HA??

Applying for an acting job

This was a bitch to upload so if there's any errors in the post, apologies.

Original advert:

Looking for an actor age 25-35 to play a major role in an upcoming small independent movie directed by media graduates

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From: Alex Richards (Alex Rickson)

To: ‘Tatiana’

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Hello there,

I saw your ad on Craigslist that was looking for an actor aged 25-35 to play the leading role in a small short film. This is something that interests me. If you would like more information I can send some details and a summary of my previous acting experience.

Thanks

A. Rickson

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Thank for your interest!
Yes, we need more information, your pics and a summary.

Sincerely,
Tatiana

Nigerian money scam

(all comments are appreciated)

Original email:

Dear Sir,

Confidential Business Proposal

Having consulted with my colleagues and based on the information gathered from the Nigerian Chambers Of Commerce And Industry, I have the privilege to request your assistance to transfer the sum a 25% share of $40,000,000 into your accounts. The above sum resulted from an over-invoiced contract, executed, commissioned and paid for about five years ago by a foreign contractor. This action was however intentional and since then the fund has been in a suspense account at The Central Bank Of Nigeria Apex Bank.
We are now ready to transfer the fund overseas and that is where you come in. It is important to inform you that as civil servants, we are forbidden to operate a foreign account; that is why we require your assistance. The total sum will be shared as follows: 70% for us, 25% for you and 5% for local and international expenses incidental to the transfer.
The transfer is risk free on both sides. If you find this proposal acceptable, we shall require the following documents:
(a) your banker's name, telephone, account and fax numbers.
(b) your private telephone and fax numbers —for confidentiality and easy communication.
(c) your letter-headed paper stamped and signed.
Alternatively we will furnish you with the text of what to type into your letter-headed paper, along with a breakdown explaining, comprehensively what we require of you.

Please reply urgently.

Best regards
Sunday Makadimo
Lagos, Nigeria

Here is the picture that was sent with the email

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From: Alex Richards (under the pseudonym 'Alex Rickson')

To: Sunday Makadimo

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Hello Sunday,

That is a lovely name you have, it reminds me of the day, Sunday. You are also quite handsome, like a young, black Timmy Mallett.

I have done the maths, 25% of $40,000,000 being $10,000,000, then converted into pounds being approximately £6,175,507.94, which sounds lovely, I will let you keep the 94p because you have been so helpful.

If I am going to be receiving millions of pounds I would like to know a bit more about whom I am dealing with, especially if I am going to be sending you my account numbers.

Thanks,
A. Rickson

Amazon review

Decided to review a game on Amazon under a Russian name.

Here is the review

Here are some of my favourite comments (These were comments I received within 3 hours of posting. You can see all comments on the link below)

Here is the review on the actual site. Although it's probably been deleted by now as it's apparently been reported about 10 times.

Edit: Review deleted after 16 reports :(

Junk car removal

Original advert:

? ? ? Junk Vehicle Removal ? ? ?

Car, Truck or Van

Do it today, midweek. Why wait?

Tired of that non running or junk car, truck or van sitting outside or in the garage,

carport or driveway taking up valuable space? Neighbors complaining? Rats loving you?

Sell or get rid of it today. Any condition, running, knocking, slipping transmission, etc.

I will rid you of your problem.

Give me a call today, ***-***-**** or email a reply

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From: Alex Richards

To: Mike **********

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Hi there, I currently have a car that needs removing from my premises. The thing is, my son and I have some kind of little prank war going on and he's got me about 5 times in a row now, doing stuff like waking me up in the middle of the night for no reason so I get all pissy, and he destroyed my shed, which I loved. So to get him back I've decided to get his car removed, something which he loved.

I should be able to provide any further details needed.

Thanks,

Alex

Salsa dancing

Original advert:

Get ready learning the hottest social activity...Salsa dancing!!! You will meet new friends, burn those calories and have fun all at the same time. Our Beginning Salsa Class taught by professional instructors who are dedicated to your soon-to-be Salsa addiction. No partner or dance experience required. Just reserve your spot in class today by contacting at ***-***-****

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From: Alex Richards (under the name 'Alfonso')

To: Cesar *******

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hello my name is Alfonso I am from Cuba I would much like to make salsa with you, I would like know how much monedero you are charging for salsa and would I have to bring own indgredients?

Gracias,

Alfonso

Missing dog 1

Original Advert:

M I S S I N G D O G

Missing female Boxer/ color-brown/ West Covina

Lark Ellen/ Rowland area

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From: Alex Richards

To: Rey ****

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Hi I have found something that matches your description. I can send a picture if you like so you can check if it is what you're looking for.

Thanks,

Alex

Joke website

From: Alex Richards

To: Joke website

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Hi,

I have a joke for you, it goes like this:

A duck walks into a drugstore, and says to the clerk “I’d like to buy some lipstick.” The clerk says “You’re a duck, you don’t need lipstick.” The duck says “I need some lipstick.” So the clerk gets a lipstick and asks “Cash or credit card?” and the duck says “Put it on my bill”.

I hope we can share praise for the author of this joke.

Thanks,

A Richards

Canadian Apartment

Original Advert:

Apartment wanted in Brampton area

$900/m max rent

Please contact if you have one avaliable

From: Alex Richards

To: Jane Redman

Hi, I saw that you were looking for an apartment, I think I’ll be able to help you out. I have a few apartments spare in my block in Brampton, Ontario, near shopper’s world. Reply if you’re interested.

Thanks

Michael's attempt at a prank call

(Wait 5 seconds for it to start)

About 4 hours before I did this, Michael originally attempted the same prank call to the same place...

Also, I will be adding some new posts of the fake emails soon, instead of videos and yahoo answers stuff, which I added as filler while I waited for ideas, email replies etc. I'll probably add a post later or tomorrow, depending on whether I can be bothered to copy and paste the stuff from my email account onto here; a very tedious task.

New video

Another prank call.

Yahoo Answers 3

I found some more Yahoo answers things I did a while back. I promise there'll be no more Yahoo answers related stuff for while now, so don't worry.

I'd provide the links but most of the questions I've done have been deleted, and I usually ask a question multiple times to get more bites, so I don't want spam each blog post I do with dozens of links.

All comments are appreciated.

#1 - Apple Answer

#2 - Film Help Question

#3 - Runescape Answer

#4 - £2.3 million Question

#5 - Incest Answer

Yahoo Answers 2

Pictures don't really come out well on this blog. So click the links instead.

All comments are appreciated.

#1 - TV Shows Question

#2 - Baby Names Answer

#3 - McDonalds Question

#4 - Guy Problems Answer

Swedish lessons

All comments are appreciated :)

From: Alex Richards

To: Swedish Tutor

Hi, I saw that you are offering Swedish language lessons, but I'm having a few problems and was wondering if you could answer a few questions?

Thanks.

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Sure, I would be more than glad to help you out. What do you need help with?

Setareh

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Well, I picked up some basic Swedish from Sesame street, I don't know if you are familiar with the character 'The Swedish Chef'? And they stated that the Swedish language is now defunct and has been replaced with the 'Hurdy Gurdy' language, and now I see someone offering Swedish lessons. I'm a little bit confused. Maybe you could shed some light on the situation?

Thanks.

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Alex,

To be completely honest with you I never heared about them at all, therefore it will be difficult for me to explain the differences as well.

Can I ask you why you chose to study Swedish - maybe I could still come in handy after all?

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You can come in very handy actually.

I'll tell you the whole story of why I've chosen to study Swedish. I used to live in Melbourne, Australia, and one day I took out a loan. Well, a month later the company I took a loan out of went bankrupt, and had been replaced with a different loan company who wanted me to pay double what I took out. So I fled the country, and moved to London, where I got a job as an accountant. I worked there for 6 years, but it seemed to be missing any fulfilment due to a non enjoyment of the job and a failure to befriend any of my colleagues. This led to a depression, I quit my job, I sold my car and I just couldn't cope with the stresses and loneliness of my life. My family convinced me to see a doctor, and he recommended a psychiatrist, who I went to see 3 times a week to discuss all my problems. He was a great help, and my depression seemed to just...pass within a few months, I felt like I had been reborn.

A few nights after I decided to go out for the first time in about 2 years, with some friends I met in Wiltshire, we had a few brewskis, slammed some pool, you know the jist? And that evening I met a beautiful girl named Evelyn, we got chatting. And then eventually, 4 years later we got married, and had a child named Duncan. Duncan is now 3 years old.

After more loan-related problems I moved to New York (my current location), but it seems that there has been more loan trouble here so I decided that I am going to move to Sweden. Whilst looking for holiday homes I stumbled upon your ad for Swedish lessons, and thought "This could be handy for when I move to Sweden", I then emailed you, and that leads to this moment in time.

So could we maybe discuss hours and prices etc?

Thanks.

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Hi Alex,

Wow that truly is a interesting story - would love to hear more about your life. I love travelling because I think you get more perspective on life and relationships (both with family and friends even yourself). Bet all these experiences in Australia, London and New York have all been necessary for you to get to this next phase of life together with your wife Evelyn. I am glad that you are moving to Sweden - the system is definetly better there compared to the system in the states :)

When are you planning to move?

As far as my service providing you with the swedish lessons I am very flexible. I do not work at the moment so I could meet up as often as you want to and adjust to your schedule pretty much. Just let me know when would be a good timing for you. From my previous experiences I have noticed a session around 2-2,5 hours is the best. Maybe 3 times per week?
It's completely up to you though :)

I suggest that we meet up during this week and take it from there. Do you have a book that we can look through together (you mentioned you've been studying some basics). And pricewise I take 80 dollars per hour.

Thank you for sharing your story, looking forward to hearing from you.

Setareh

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Hi Setareh, sorry I haven't replied for while, I've been sorting out transport for Sweden. We've struggled to get a plane from New York, so we've decided to just sail there. It's only a little bit further than the 'New York to Norway' sailing gala I attended in 2002, so we'll cope. There are no problems with your times and prices.

I have a hen Juanita, and she has (unbelievably) grasped a few English words since I've had her (I got her in 2007). So I was wondering if you'd be able to teach her a few words too?

Thanks.

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Definetly! As I said before I think an introductional meeting will do all of us good, then we can discuss what level you want the tutoring sessions to be at. Also get a chance to see how and what techniques of learning suits you best :)

I am more than open to help you both out, as a matter of fact this is helping me as well. Glad its mutual.

Wown I never knew that you could sail over, I guess I never thought about it. Nice that you are looking through different options in order to compare and get the most suitable alternative.

Talk soon,
Setareh

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I'm so glad. It's been tough to find a Swedish tutor who is willing to teach my hen. Maybe will the Swedish lessons Juanita will be able to communicate with Henrik, my sloth, so they stop fighting so much, Juanita can't lay eggs at all while in a hostile mood. So, I'm planning on moving to Sweden next Tuesday, so I was wondering if you could teach me the whole language within say, 3 days?

Thanks.

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Hahaha Alex, well in that case I guess we have to make it full days! Guess you don't have anything else to do now since you're moving right? ;)

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Well, I have to pack, take out life insurance on my wife and find a suitable melee weapon for reasons I will not reveal at this moment. So you can teach the whole language in 3 days?

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Nope, Alex I can't. But I will teach you as much as your mind is able to deal with.

You're funny Alex, enough with the jokes now :) Are you seriously moving on tuesday?

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Everything I've said has been serious (except for the whole insurance and melee weapon thing, I have to admit, I was humoring you a little there). I just hope you've been entirely serious on your part, I don't want this exchange to have been a gigantic waste of important time.

Thanks

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I fully agree. How are you planning to do this in 3 days?

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Well Setareh, you said it could be done. I hope you have not just wasted my time, that's all. I'm a powerful man, I can do powerful things.

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I did not say it could be done.

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Setareh, you said "Hahaha, well in that case I guess we have to make it full days!". Seeing as that was a lie, are you telling me you wont be able to teach my hen too?

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You asked me and I said "Nope". Guess there has been a few misunderstandings here.

Atleast you gave me a good laugh :)

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So Setareh, you can't teach my hen? You definitely said you could.

"Definetly! As I said before I think an introductional meeting will do all of us good, then we can discuss what level you want the tutoring sessions to be at. Also get a chance to see how and what techniques of learning suits you best :)
I am more than open to help you both out, as a matter of fact this is helping me as well. Glad its mutual."

It's nice to see that my custom is just a big fucking joke to you. I thought you could really help me out, I only had a departure time of Tuesday, because I thought you could really help me, but of course, you just thought you'd lie to me for shits and giggles. Now I have to postpone my moving YET AGAIN. Thanks a lot. Do you feel proud? care to explain yourself?

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Alex, I will teach you and do my best to try teaching your hen. You will not be able to learn the whole language in that amount of time though. My price is 80 per hour and I can meet you up if you want. That's all the information I have for now.

Don't have anything else to add nor explain.

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Oh, so now you CAN teach Juanita? You don't realise how much disruption your silly little jokes have caused.

Why did you insist on lying and ruining me and my family's dream move? I just told Evelyn about you and why we have to postpone our move yet again, she is now in tears. Are you still laughing?

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Alex, I dont know what to say

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Duncan hates you

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End of correspondence

Amazon

It's another idiotic one...

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From: Alex Richards

To: Amazon(.com/.co.uk)

Hmm....Hmm

Hmm.

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Alex

Is there anything I can help you with?

Are you having trouble browsing the site?

Your email was a little confusing...

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Hmm...

No thanks, just browsing.

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End of correspondence

Vegetarian Society

From: Alex Richards

To: Vegetarian Society

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Hello there,
I have recently decided that enough is enough, I'm going to stop eating meat; not only is it unhealthy, but it is the poor flesh from an innocent animal. I seem to be having a bit of trouble fighting the temptation though, and was wondering if I could discuss a few issues I'm having with vegetarianism, with you?

Thanking you
A. Richards

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Dear Alex

Thank you for your email. We have lots of resources we can send you to help with your decisions If you have any specific issues don’t hesitate to email me. Also if you would like to give me your full address details I will send you our starter pack.

Regards

Ray.

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Ray,

Thank you for your reply. What exactly does the starter pack contain?
The main problem I'm having is a rather silly one. I used to eat meat, and I sort of felt I was connecting with the animals, which I loved.
I chose to become vegetarian due to the fact that this connection between the animal and I was null and void due to the fact that the animal had been slaughtered...so I could get through the day on a full stomach.
I am struggling to not eat meat, as I like the feeling of that connection, although I know it's wrong. I was wondering if you could help; maybe by suggesting some new ways of connecting, without eating. I will also search for some ways to do this.

Thanking you
A. Richards

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Hi Alex

Yes your starter pack consists of healthy eating advice,nutritional.reasons for going veggie etc. there is of course lots if info on our website regarding specific areas of concern for example animal welfare issues and environmental aspects of our diet. I think the more knowledge you acquire regarding vegetarianism can help to connect with animals in general.

Regards

ray.

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Ray,

I will certainly consider the starter pack, and will get back to you with my address when I am ready.

I (think I) have found a way to connect with the animals, without eating them. There is this thing called 'Beastiality'. I am

not entirely sure what it involves, but my friend said it was about adopting an animal as a pet to reduce the guilt you feel. I will certainly research it before I partake in the process. Do you happen to have any information on this? this whole connecting with the animals thing is starting to hurt my brain.

Thanking you

A. Richards

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Hi Alex

Yes I would be glad to send you some general information on vegetarianism and some basic advice regarding a meat free diet. I think the animal connection issue will also become clearer after looking into changing your eating habits. Haven't heard of the beastiality connection but if you let me have your full address I will send you some resources to assist.

Regards

Ray.

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End Of Correspondence

'The Door'

From: Alex Richards

To: ITV viewer services

Dear ITV,

I recently viewed your television entitled 'the door', starring Dean Gaffney, Louisa Lytton, Coronation Street’s Jennie McAlpine, Boyzone’s Keith Duffy, television presenter Michael Underwood and The Saturday’s singer Frankie Sandford. And although I'm thrilled that you've managed to convince these A-list celebrities to take a break from their ignited careers and take part in this show, I have some 'beef' with you.

Throughout the show I managed to get the jist of the show, and the importance of 'the door' in the structure of the show. But, I noticed around 15 minutes in, that there was in fact a second door; much different from the first door, it was a darker shade than the first door, yet the first door has the show centred around it, and named after it, the second door is not mentioned in the show name, or the synopsis. Maybe there is some subtle subconscious racism within this show? I don't know.

The addition of the second door confused me quite a lot, there's me thinking the show is about a door, when in fact, it's about doors. I'm sure I'm not the only one mentally displaced by this error on ITV's behalf. I'm sure the show would be better off named 'the doors'. But I know what you're thinking! Some people may be confused, and think it's about the late Jim Morrison's band. So I suggest you rename the show 'The doors; not the Jim Morrison band, but a show about going through doors'. Not only would this eliminate all confusion, but it would be increasingly enticing upon first glance.

A reply would be appreciated, as I have taken time out of my schedule to write to you.

Thanking You

A. Richards

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Dear Sir/Madam

Thank you for your email regarding The Door.

I can confirm that your comments have been noted here at ITV Viewer Services.

May I take this opportunity to thank you for taking the time to contact us here at ITV as we always welcome viewers’ feedback.

Regards

ITV VIEWER SERVICES - jh

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End Of Correspondence