From: Alex Richards
To: Liverpool FC
8/2/10
Hello there,
I recently heard about the club's (lack of) funds, and I have come up with a proposal.
I play for a team called 'Wayward burrows Athletic FC', most of the players there (including myself) are life long Liverpool fans, and we have all come up with an idea which will effectively suit both clubs. We recently had to sell our right back Kashmere Jenkins-De La Cruz to Hoppertown Rangers, and since then we've had to put in Luke Van-Der-Anderson who, as you should know, is more of a central midfielder, in at right back, this has made us leak goals. We are willing to purchase one of your players for a hefty sum, we obviously do not want to damage your title challenge, so we've decided to choose a player who is both accomplished, yet underplayed; Phillip Degen. The whole team and coaching staff are willing to put in £25 to the offer, although if Phillip wishes to join our club, he must be committed and willing to be payed approx. £13.50 per game (we'd normally be able to offer up to £45.00, but of course, we're in a recession), we are also willing to discuss a loan deal. Wayward Burrows are currently 3rd in the Robert Price open sunday league, four points off the top spot, but with a game in hand. We currently play at Oyvind Leonhardsen Park, which holds around 650 people. Our top scorer is Terry McMuckson who has 14 goals in 31 games this season. If Phillip would like to know anymore, I will be more than happy to discuss. A prompt reply would be much appreciated, we could do with an accomplished right-back and I feel you could do with the funds.
Thanking you
A. Richards
-----------------------------------------
Awaiting Reply
Thursday, 11 February 2010
Happy Egg Foundation Part 2
Please View Part 1 First (Click Here)
----------------------------------------
Subject: RE: RE: eggcellent!
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 2010 09:48:02 +0000
From: Victoria DeGrandis
To: Alex Richards
Well Alex, it certainly sounds like you have lots of innovative ways of keeping hens happy. Maybe you could send us some suggestions of new ways to keep our girls happy and ensure they keep laying the delicious tasty eggs that we all love.
Kind Regards,
Victoria
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Alex Richards
To: victoria degrandis
Subject: RE: eggcellent!
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 2010 23:08:28 +0000
Victoria,
It would be my pleasure, if there is an area of expertise im suited to, it's animal activities!
Sorry I am late replying but Juanita told me a joke (listed below) and only now I have stopped laughing. Anyway onto activities...
I feel that open spaces are a must for any hen, so they can be mischievous and get exercise, although Juanita is more a fan of sitting by the fire with Scooter the sheep dog. But of course, being a zoo-loving tennis-player, Juanita ain' no ordinary chicken.
I have actually compiled a list of activities I have tried, and I have sorted them into two groups entitled 'success' and 'failure!':
Success: Running about in a field
Failure!: Tennis, badminton, murderball, swimming, skateboarding, cricket, rugby, roller hockey, boxing, Alan Titchmarsh memorial planting sessions(tm), snooker, running about in a field of carrots, asbestos searching, tea-towel adventures, hand-towel expeditions, paper-towel shennanigans, that time when I got bored and just started throwing peanuts at Juanita's face, cat sniping (not what you think) and Teri Hatcher baseball.
I was thinking Victoria, maybe the Happy egg company can offer me a job testing activities and their suitability to the life of a chicken. I have created a brief CV below:
Full Name: Alexander Litvinenko Richards
Real Age: 36
Celeb Age (If needed): 35
Country: Wales
Previous jobs: Sales assistant - Ethel Austin, Sales director - Littlewoods
What would I bring to the job: Unrivaled enthusiasm and the rare ability to make others look good
As you can see Victoria, there is variation within my previous jobs, I had to make the difficult change from sales assistant to sales director but I adjusted with effort to spare.
I hope you will consider everything I've had to say, and I also hope you will reply again, with maybe some constructive criticisms (if any) of my active approach to my hens and your reaction to Juanita's joke.
The kindest of all regards,
Alex Richards
The joke!
How do chickens leave buildings?
They go through the egg-sit!
It would be my pleasure, if there is an area of expertise im suited to, it's animal activities!
Sorry I am late replying but Juanita told me a joke (listed below) and only now I have stopped laughing. Anyway onto activities...
I feel that open spaces are a must for any hen, so they can be mischievous and get exercise, although Juanita is more a fan of sitting by the fire with Scooter the sheep dog. But of course, being a zoo-loving tennis-player, Juanita ain' no ordinary chicken.
I have actually compiled a list of activities I have tried, and I have sorted them into two groups entitled 'success' and 'failure!':
Success: Running about in a field
Failure!: Tennis, badminton, murderball, swimming, skateboarding, cricket, rugby, roller hockey, boxing, Alan Titchmarsh memorial planting sessions(tm), snooker, running about in a field of carrots, asbestos searching, tea-towel adventures, hand-towel expeditions, paper-towel shennanigans, that time when I got bored and just started throwing peanuts at Juanita's face, cat sniping (not what you think) and Teri Hatcher baseball.
I was thinking Victoria, maybe the Happy egg company can offer me a job testing activities and their suitability to the life of a chicken. I have created a brief CV below:
Full Name: Alexander Litvinenko Richards
Real Age: 36
Celeb Age (If needed): 35
Country: Wales
Previous jobs: Sales assistant - Ethel Austin, Sales director - Littlewoods
What would I bring to the job: Unrivaled enthusiasm and the rare ability to make others look good
As you can see Victoria, there is variation within my previous jobs, I had to make the difficult change from sales assistant to sales director but I adjusted with effort to spare.
I hope you will consider everything I've had to say, and I also hope you will reply again, with maybe some constructive criticisms (if any) of my active approach to my hens and your reaction to Juanita's joke.
The kindest of all regards,
Alex Richards
The joke!
How do chickens leave buildings?
They go through the egg-sit!
---------------------------------------
No Reply :(
Lynx
To whom it may concern,
Recently I purchased a can of your deodorant entitled 'Lynx: Dark temptation' hoping to attract members of the opposite sex. Unfortunately, I have not got the desired effect, instead of attracting women, I have attracted a dozen cats who are now outside my front door, scratching away. I would let them in, but I think they may have come from my neighbour Terry Jenkins' garden, and he's scruffy as fuck, I don't appreciate felines slobbering on me at the best of times, especially not his. I would like to see if you have a solution to my problems, maybe I bought the wrong flavour?
Alex Richards
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Alex,
Thank you for your recent email. I was sorry to hear that you felt that Lynx Dark Temptation Body Spray was not as effective as you expected.
Whilst the Lynx Effect will draw girls to you, it cannot do all the work for you. Try brushing up on your chat up lines and eye contact, both are good ways to improve your chances with the opposite sex and also make sure you keep spraying. Be confident, witty and approachable and the girls should come a flocking.
Spray more, get more means precisely that. The more you spray the more Lynx Effect you are unleashing and the more confidence you will exude. This in turn will hopefully lead to more female attention.
I hope you find this information helpful. If you have any further enquiries, please do not hesitate to contact us again.
Kind regards,
Kevin Thomson
Careline Advisor
-----------------------------------------------------
What a shit reply; not even going to bother continuing this one.
Recently I purchased a can of your deodorant entitled 'Lynx: Dark temptation' hoping to attract members of the opposite sex. Unfortunately, I have not got the desired effect, instead of attracting women, I have attracted a dozen cats who are now outside my front door, scratching away. I would let them in, but I think they may have come from my neighbour Terry Jenkins' garden, and he's scruffy as fuck, I don't appreciate felines slobbering on me at the best of times, especially not his. I would like to see if you have a solution to my problems, maybe I bought the wrong flavour?
Alex Richards
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Alex,
Thank you for your recent email. I was sorry to hear that you felt that Lynx Dark Temptation Body Spray was not as effective as you expected.
Whilst the Lynx Effect will draw girls to you, it cannot do all the work for you. Try brushing up on your chat up lines and eye contact, both are good ways to improve your chances with the opposite sex and also make sure you keep spraying. Be confident, witty and approachable and the girls should come a flocking.
Spray more, get more means precisely that. The more you spray the more Lynx Effect you are unleashing and the more confidence you will exude. This in turn will hopefully lead to more female attention.
I hope you find this information helpful. If you have any further enquiries, please do not hesitate to contact us again.
Kind regards,
Kevin Thomson
Careline Advisor
-----------------------------------------------------
What a shit reply; not even going to bother continuing this one.
Monday, 25 January 2010
The Happy Egg Foundation
From: Alex Richards
Sent: 23 January 2010 03:02
To: info@thehappyegg.co.uk
Subject: eggcellent!
Dear the happy egg company,
Today, I was eating a happy egg (he was happy because he had been to his best friend's fancy dress party, he dressed as iron man) and was overcome by the deliciousness of the whole cataclysm of taste , and felt the need to write to you. (I'm not yolking!)
Eggs are probably my 4th favourite food, after milky ways, spaghetti hoops, and alphabites (I enjoy foods that help me stimulate my brain while I eat e.g. I use alphabites to create words, my best word is 'dungeon').
I am not just writing out of appreciation, as I have a few concerns. I would like to know how you ensure the morale of each hen is high, one of my hens, Juanita, is currently not laying eggs, and I'm unsure of whether this is relative to how content the hen is. I have tried everything to make her happy, I take her to the zoo, I bought her favourite brand of chicken feed, and I sometimes I just tickle her, but she just walks away patronisingly; it makes me feel so small.
I will have to investigate the matter thoroughly, and make sure that this depression has nothing to do with Yvonne, my other hen, and she is well known across the neighbourhood for her spicy attitude. It's not like Juanita is lacking in friendship, she has me, Yvonne, Terry and Steve the local ducks, Randolf the sheep dog, and Tyrone; her imaginary friend.
Anyway, I hope you will be able to help me with increasing the morale of my hen by replying as soon as possible with ideas, or anything, just to show that you received my email.
Thanking you
A. Richards
_____________________________________
Subject: RE: eggcellent!
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 2010 13:40:45 +0000
From: Victoria.DeGrandis@Noblefoods.co.uk
To: Alex Richards
Hi Alex,
Thank you for your email and interest in the happy egg co. We are glad to hear how much you are enjoying our lovely tasty eggs.
We are sorry to hear that Juanita has stopped laying eggs for you though. Do you know how old she is? It has been found that after about 65 weeks, a hens productivity decreases, so it could be possible that this is the reason she isn’t laying much at the moment.
Here at the happy egg co., we ensure a happy life for all our hens by keeping them busy and stimulated. We have special happy farms with farmers who are dedicated to looking after their girls and ensuring they are always having a happy time. The farms not only have wide open spaces where the hens are free to roam, they also have trees to play, sandpits to scratch around in and towers ideal for perching pleasure.
Although it sounds like you are doing lots to keep Juanita happy, perhaps you could try out some of the methods that we use. It will be interesting to hear if you have any success.
Kind Regards,
Victoria De Grandis
Marketing Assistant
___________________________________
| From: | Alex Richards |
| Sent: | 25 January 2010 16:36:41 |
| To: | victoria.degrandis@noblefoods.co.uk; info@thehappyegg.co.uk |
Hello Victoria,
First and foremost I'd like to thank you for your prompt and enlightening reply, but I am afraid that there are a few more concerns.
Juanita and I watched the film "Chicken Run" last night, and I feel she is starting to get ideas. Just yesterday I came home from Ethel Austin to find Juanita with a catapult in the garden, but I doubt it'll come to anything, she's always lacked any real motivation. She always has these phases see, you know how hens are!
I've started to create some activities for Juanita, Yvonne and I to participate in, to keep active. I started with tennis, but Juanita failed to show any form of interest, which is surprising, as her favourite sports star is former tennis star 'Guy Forget', because he is not only skillful on the court but he is also a fantastic role model. Unfortunately we had to end early because Yvonne (typically) smashed up my other racquet after missing a simple forehand (it was a terrible shot on my account, it was there for the taking, I can understand her frustration. Also, her serve was way off, I'm talking 40% first serves in here). We then tried badminton, but of course, Yvonne spoiled the party again. She had one of her feminist rants after noticing that the thing we had to hit was called a 'shuttlecock' rather than a 'shuttlehen'.
I'm afraid I do not have much of an open space on my farm, so I am wondering if you have any ideas on how I could find somewhere for the hens to roam without a care in the world.
A prompt reply would be appreciated, to show that you received this email.
Thanking you
A. Richards
____________________________________
Part Two: Click Here
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