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Red Bull

To: uk.info@uk.redbull.com
From: Alex Richards
Date: 01/15/2010 06:23PM
Subject: General Enquiries|http://www.redbull.co.uk

The following message has been received on http://www.redbull.co.uk
First name: Alex
Last name: Richards
Email:
Phone:
Message: I recently posted a letter to your address [155-171 Tooley Street] but failed to receive a reply, so I am hoping an email will increase my chances of getting an answer to my questions. The letter is posted below.

Dear Red Bull,
I recently purchased a regular can of Red Bull, hoping to impress a lady friend with the growth of wings as stated in your slogan “Red Bull gives you wings” but I seem to be confronted with a few problems with growth. My school prom is soon, and I was hoping that I could grow wings, or any wing shaped limbs from my shoulder area, as my crush is fond of angels. I have been informed by my friend that Red Bull does give you wings, as his cousin’s friend has grown wings after drinking your product. I would like to know the following information in your reply to this letter:-
• How much Red Bull will need to be consumed daily before the growing starts, and is there a specific growth pattern or is it just unpredictable growth spurts?
• Will there be a method to stop growth once wings have reach desired size? (approx. preferable wingspan 85cm)
• Will I be able to choose the colour of the wings?
• Will I lose some control power of other limbs? e.g. arms, penis; as there is only so much control I can have over my body, and I don’t want to lose any of my cat-like dexterity
• Will there be any pouches created naturally in the wings, or will I have to cut them with a scissors/knife?
• If natural pouches are created, will they be able to contain my Druid Elven staff and my shinkendo master katana, as they take up too much room in my school satchel (A ninja star compartment is also appreciated but not necessary).
• If wings are not created – will any mass consumption side effects be of any use e.g. gravity manipulation, cause skin inflammation on sight?

I look forward to reading your reply and the answers to these questions. My school prom is in February 2010, so I will be hoping for a prompt reply.

Thanking you in advance
A. Richards
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Subject: Re: General Enquiries|http://www.redbull.co.uk
From: brian.saccente@uk.redbull.com
To: Alex Richards
Date: Sun, 17 Jan 2010 15:58:02 +0000

Hi Alex,

Thank you for your email and for your interest in Red Bull.

It is true that Red Bull does give you ""wiiings"" (as opposed to wings) but not in an obvious conventional manner but by vitalising your body and mind, as seen from our humorous self-ironic cartoons.

I daresay that in the history of evolution there has never been a case of a human being been naturally blessed with real wings in the sense that you mean and Red Bull would not try to fool the general population at large into thinking that it was possible to drink our product and change their genetic make up to grow extra parts of the body!

I assure you that the style of the advertisements and message that they give have been passed by the Advertising Standards Authority and are deemed suitable for broadcasting to the viewing public. I am sorry that you felt the message conveyed in our commercials misled you in anyway into believing that Red Bull would persuade your body to sprout bird-like feathery appendages.

Please accept out sincerest apologies if any confusion has been suffered.

Best regards,

Brian Saccente

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From: Alex Richards
To: brian.saccente@uk.redbull.com
Subject: Re:Re:General Enquiries|http://www.redbull.co.uk
Date: Sun, 17th January 2010 19:56:22 +0000

Hi Brian,

Thank you for the prompt email dated Sun, 17 Jan 2010. It was rather humourous and I had an enjoyable time reading. I can now see how the wings are not given in a conventional sense; but as a term for feeling energetic, I certainly feel foolish. My mind does get carried away sometimes as I'm interested in the whole fantasy way of life (dragons, eskimos, nice French people etc.), and this whole lifestyle means I tend to get lost in my own world. I've gone off the idea of wings anyway, as I don't have the required levels of skill to control and use the wings to full capacity. I am more into the idea of extra arms (like Machamp from Pokemon) and I know how to control arms and I can use these to enhance and upgrade my skills in the art of wizardry (I'll also be able to use my druid elven staff and katana at the same time). I feel that extra arms will also be an advantage when it comes to my crush, I can use one arm to hold her, one to point furiously at things I don't like, one to beat away approaching rapists and the remaining arm can be used to feed her ice cream or hummus. I'm sorry that I am taking up your time, but I have a few more questions about red bull. Can it contribute in any way to arm growth? (I'm a bit desperate for any form of manus extension) and how long does the burst of energy from red bull last? I hope you will promptly reply again.

Thanking you
A. Richards

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End Of Correspondence

Mathematical Association Of America

From: Alex Richards
To: maaservice@brightkey.net
Subject: Help
Date: Wed, 13 Jan 2010 01:08:23 +0000

Dear The Mathematical Association Of America,

I am currently in a bit of a predicament. I recently bought a shelf from my local Ikea store, and on the instructions there is a shape that has caused severe disagreement. It's sides are of measurements (starting from top side, going clockwise) Sin-1(0.232344345), tan-1(0.9494938), Sin-1(0.232344345) and Cos-1(0.5643420894) With corners at 90(degrees), the colour of the shape in question is bright turquoise, and if you put two of these shapes together they will make a strong, capable shelf bracket.
The problem is that I feel this shape is most certainly a rhombus, while my friend Toby Jenkins insists it's a trapezoid. Is there any way you can provide an answer/solution to this charade?

Thanking you in advance
A Richards.
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Take me out...

From: Alex Richards
To: viewerservices@itv.com
Subject: Dear ITV
Date: Sun, 10 Jan 2010 23:09:15 +0000

Dear ITV,
I recently viewed your television programme/trainwreck 'Take me out' hoping for some intellectual viewing, aren't I the fool? instead i got 30 sets of orange make up with retarded girls underneath. I mean, where did you get these people from? I could go to greenfields and struggle to find someone with less 'special needs' than those women. If you wanted a show specifically targeted at exposing simple people, you should have let me invest in some magic mushrooms and a pocket mirror that I could give to my mother and then you should have let me film her on my Sony handycam while she tries to figure out who she is, it would be much more interesting and it could teach children a lesson about drugs, mirror sizes etc. And why do you always have the men who love themselves? The ones who jizz themselves whenever they catch their own reflection. One more thing, what's with all the cliched double entendres? yes, we get it, you haven't had sex in a while, which is why you're competing against 29 other women for some bloke you don't know, I'd much rather they be blunt with it, 'I want you to put your erect penis in my vagina, and thrust, please', and no wonder you're not getting any dates when one of the reasons you reject the bloke is because 'He's a little bit tall'. I'm glad you decided on authentic Italian cuisine, by sending the 'lovers' to a restaurant called 'Fernando's', did you by any chance blow your budget on creating the 'love lift' or 'shag elevator' or whatever it's called? well, hopefully the restaurant has windows, so the spastic women will have something to lick in between meals.

This is an actual (approximate) excerpt from the first show:

Paddy McGuinness: [In Absurde Lancashire accent] So, there's two girls left, to decide which one you'll take out on a date, you get to ask them one question, fire away.

Man: Right girls, my mother is probably the most important person in my life, so, how can you make sure she'll like you as much as i will?

Girl 1: I would look after you, make sure you were safe, love and cherish you, and hopefully your mother will take me into her arms and your family.
Girl 2: Well, I work in skincare so, I could give her a few facials.

...He chose to go on a date with Girl 2.

F****off.

'Kind' regards,
Alex Richards



P.S Loving All-Star Family Fortunes
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